Relationships are the keystone of every human being; we form them from birth and foster and maintain them as we grow older. Some are blood ties while others are the kind we get into serendipitously or seek out explicitly. Some last a lifetime while others fall by the wayside even as new ones take their place. And some are good for our soul while others are doomed to failure right from the word GO.
The thing about relationships is that they’re tricky and are not always the same. They may start out one way and either deteriorate or become better as time goes by. And since it takes two people to make a relationship, you can never predict how the one you’re in is going to turn out. Human beings are fickle creatures and prone to mental and psychological changes depending on their experiences, so you can never be sure how relationships will turn out.
In general, both people in a relationship must work towards making it work, and when makes no effort and the other gives their all, then we have an unhealthy relationship, one that will definitely go down the drain in time. Some of us stay on in such relationships even though we know they’re not good for us, mostly because:
We’re scared of change: We don’t have the courage to be proactive and break off the relationship because it would mean effecting and coping with a great deal of change in our lives.
We pretend that things will get better: There are times when we’re so addicted to certain people even though we know that they’re not good for us and that we would be better off without them in the long run. And so we pretend that things will get better if we just hang in there and continue to please the other person and do whatever they want. But 99 percent of the time, adopting a doormat attitude only makes people actually treat you like one.
We are truly in a bind: Some people are caught in abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationships because they have no other alternative – they may have other factors to consider besides their own unhappiness, like children or the fact that they are not financially independent.
No matter why you stay in unhealthy relationships, the fact remains that they are not good for you in any way. So the sooner you break away from them, the better off you’ll be in the long run. You may even be tempted to take back your significant other when they come back and promise to treat you better, but more often than not, they don’t change. So it’s best you make a clean break when you know and acknowledge to yourself that the relationship is unhealthy and that you must be strong enough to turn your back firmly on it.
I was reading this Tumblr post someone sent me recently and there is an interesting reference to ‘fencing’ at the end of it. The idea that a debate or a metaphor can provide a fence around our ways of thinking is something I had written about ages ago. In fact large portions of my PhD work had been involved around the ideas of conceptual framing, the idea that we create reference points to refer to things we experience. I think the ‘idea fence’ concept is much more interesting and I want to write about it. So I did!
Idea fences mean we create a way of seeing things that inhibits us from seeing another perspective. Someone I know would say about a problem,’Well it’s either this or that.’ My response was, ‘why can’t it be something else?’. The idea fences we build put the issues we want to discuss in a neat little basket. We fence them off and say, ‘this is my position and you can only enter my idea house if you are willing to open the fence of my idea gate’. Metaphors ahoy.
I am very good at making idea fences. I often resist changing my ideas because I like them and have grown accustomed to having them in my mind’s garden. Yet, I know I have to do it and I hate it. I think I know something then I find an article or somebody says, ‘have you thought about this?’ Then I hop back on the merry go round again and wheeeeeee more ideas. Ideas also mean power in my world, ‘Oh you are the guy who wrote that paper or you are an Information Systems person aren’t you?’ Then I am fenced in by others. This kind of fencing reinforces the fence around me, which in essence has no place in any real terms outside of my own thoughts; and creates a comfortable seat for me to sit in and contemplate. I am fenced and fencing.
In closing this ramble tamble, let me assure that ideas have a persistent quality. The ingredient of persistence is ‘belief’. That’s what makes them real. We believe they are and so they are and we act on them and it is so. Yet, this perspective is yet another example of a fence I have built around myself and ask me in five years, if I am still alive what I think and the chances are I will have changed my mind!
It’s summer time here in Australia, that means hot muggy days and bad television. We are getting a two series old version of Kitchen Nightmares which is a pleasant surprise. Here is a sample from the US version:
Gordon does not pull any punches. Fans of the Hell’s Kitchen show will know that he is obnoxious, abusive and says exactly as it is. The other point I wish to make about Gordon is that he is extremely successful. After watching his show for a couple of weeks, I have learned some key things about constructive criticism from watching him in action. After all you don’t get to world class by sitting around do you?
Clearly identifying the problem
Gordon in the video above clearly identifies what’s wrong with the kitchen when he is eating the food. He says exactly what the issue is and makes a clear statement. By the end of most episodes the obnoxious and rude Gordon becomes encouraging to the point where he even makes a positive difference to the lives of those around him. By clearly identifying the problem he is able to immediately identify clear solutions.
Making key people accountable
Gordon is magnificent at confrontation. He pulls out the problem, looks at it from various angles and begins to make people accountable for the problem and the necessary actions needed. A key step in any problem solving exercise is to get accountable parties to take action steps. Gordon works along side people in his unique way and guides them to the solution. I am reminded on the old-school mentoring system at work when I watch him with other chefs. Sure, you might be emotionally bruised but in fairness to Gordon he always give credit… where it’s due.
Empowering the problem owner
Gordon’s form of constructive criticism is pragmatic in orientation. He gives practical advice and mentoring to people who he has criticised to show them where they went wrong. Personally when I mentor anyone it’s hard for them as I often take a similar approach. But all I am doing is using the criticism as a platform for improvement. Gordon does this masterfully. On one episode I had all but written off a small restaurant somewhere to the north of London (sorry I have forgotten the name of the place). I had everyone sacked and out the door but through constructive criticism, practical mentoring and empowerment I watched Gordon change that little restaurant into resounding success… in just seven days of training!
The art of constructive criticism: From problem identification to solution to empowerment
The key to a successful criticism is to learn how to say what needs to be said and then empower people to do it. Being a critic is oh so easy. Being a leader who empowers is what makes the difference between true leaders and those that just want to keep the seat warm. Don’t shy away from giving someone a slap in the side of the head if it’s needed BUT use your other hand to guide them to the place they need to go.
A lot of people assume they know what problem solving is. I have heard many opinions on what it is, stuff like: solving equations, fixing issues or making something better by offering new solutions. Personally, this isn’t my definition of problem solving. I prefer one that extends the idea that problems are perceptions that form in our mind which pattern our outward view of reality. In other words, problem solving really is about understanding mismatched expectations. There is a way things appear to us, through our thoughts and there is a way things really are. Problems are identified when we recognise something in our reality that troubles us. These are the things of ideology, thought, perception and culture. So what then is problem solving if it’s primarily related to perceptions? Before we can answer this, I want to argue for what problem solving is not.
Problem solving is NOT fixing something
I always hear that problem solving is when we fix something. I don’t agree. Problem solving involves the understanding and identification of a troubling issue. This comes from interpretations, perceptions and concepts that come from our heads. If the problem was a fixed point in time and space then we all would notice. Granted, there may be some issues like this. I am yet to find one that is perfectly perceived as being the same by all people at all times.
Problem solving is about ‘identification’
Consider this… what’s a problem you have now? Say it’s sore guts. The problem is sore guts. Now you have automatically identified the problem as well as the solution in one hit. What you are thinking about now is: what medicine can I take to solve my sore guts! Instead of doing that think about how you identified the problem in the first place. I see business people do this all the time. We aren’t getting any sales! Answer… we need to spend more money on advertising… bad choice. How do you know it’s not a poorly perceived sales letter (or something like that) that’s hindering you? Think about it.
What can you take out of this post
This: problem solving is not about fixing anything… it’s about recognising when you identify a problem you have by default defined any solution you are likely to use. This means, that you need to think carefully through your choices when you are looking to make decisions because they way in which you identify problems is the same process as ‘solving it’. For me, problem solving is identifying the issues and knowing that they contain ‘possible’ solutions NOT the solution. There is an art to this because we are all blinded by our perceptions.
Whatever problem you are facing right now, chances are you didn’t get there overnight. Sit back and think through what it was that made you get there. What decisions did you make because you thought you had ‘the’ answer? Look carefully at such things for in them lies the key to where you have made a wrong turn and if you can get back there you can switch tact and begin to improve your situation. Problem solving begins with understanding how your identified problems are related to what you think will solve it. If you can understand that, then you are on your way to a better life.
The answer to this question may seem very simple. University lecturers (like me) should not be responsible for teaching students how to manage real problems. However, I disagree. Why?
High school does not teaching practical skills as such
While I admit there are a lot of useful ideas for reaching teenagers and getting them to cope with real life issues and problems, there is still a long way to go. What happens is that students leave high school and then go into university then go into the workforce. Some, do trades or just get a job. Yet the process of learning is exactly the same. They go from high school to the outside world and then that’s it.
University courses are not that practical in general they are specific
Most university courses I have taught will not teach you how build great responses to problems. One of the reasons I started this blog was because I noticed people who were coming through university courses with no life skills. Yes, they could read and write (and do maths) but where were their problem solving skills? What about creative thinking skills? What about learning how to cope with relationships? If life is all about work then what do we do the rest of our time?
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90% of what you do at work is NOT academic
This is hard to admit but how often do you reach for your economics book? Or wonder what Maslow would have thought about your jerky boss. It’s time for bone dry honesty… how useful is the information you get at university, high school or college (TAFE included)? Theories are wonderful… I have a lot of them. But unless something helps me to solve a problem I throw it away. What good is knowledge that doesn’t work? It’s like having a Porsche with no motor OR a Monet with a hole in the centre of it.
Once upon a time university was a place where people expanded their minds. Now, I think it’s a sausage factory. People go out to work after studying and I wonder all the time just how useful this knowledge is? I have written papers in the past and then thought… is this even meaningful… I mean is this ever going to change our lives? I doubt it. We should be teaching people at University, high school and other places of education how to manage and cope with life. Why? I think there is a responsibility here for educators to realise that a portion of what we teach should be how to manage real life problems. If it isn’t then we are not preparing people for a life in the business world where learning curves are steep and lessons are harshly learned.
Ever been stuck in this? On a regular basis the motorway in Brisbane is a car park. As I am in process of building more content for this blog and in my travels I came across this video:
In this case De Bono has asked us to come up with some creative thinking to see how we can solve the traffic crisis. To show you the basics of perspective shifting, I am going to offer four ways to solve traffic problems. The four perspectives I am going to use are based on different assumptions. These are: Political, Economical, Social and Technical.
The Political perspective
The political view is one that says, ‘Traffic is the government’s problem’. To fix it we would require politicians to mandate to us an effective legislative solution. A political solution I think is a legislative one because we are creating a rule that stops traffic flow. This means, the government could tax us more to build new roads, more carparks and provide incentives for the use of public transport. These things (in Australia) are state supported and funded. This really means changing the law to restrict the flow of traffic in someway.
The Economic perspective
The economic view says, why not build bigger faster and better roads. In reality, you rephrase this view as ‘turn on the money hose’. I have been working in aid circles on and off for many years… I can assure you if more money was the answer we would be there by now. There are many circumstances where the economic view is substantial and correct but the majority of the time it’s wrong. To summarise this view the traffic crisis could be solved if we decided to build a bigger road system or spend more money on transport infrastructure.
The social view
Ex-leader of the Australian Labor Party Mark Latham once said that we need to go back to building grassroots movements for things to change. In short, in order for things to change we need to form together to become groups so that we can facilitate change in our social lives. This is community building and things like that. To change the traffic crisis from a human/social point of view you need to understand behaviour and ask what causes traffic jams to exist? Why do we all want to be on the road at the same time? This give rise to challenging solutions about the work weak, what jobs need to be done when and the ways in which we define work. A challenging task but not one that is entirely out of our reach. An example solution would be to create new work conditions that allow the burden on our roads to be shared more equally.
The technical view
The technical view always resolves things down to a scientific or engineering solution. So every problem has a simple/linear cause and effect view that will resolve the problem at hand. So for the traffic problem is viewed as a technical issue. The roads aren’t wide enough or there isn’t enough people taking public transport. Every problem is viewed as being a technical one and hence cannot be solved through any other method. A solution to the traffic crisis that’s technical involves making the roads better, or wider or some other technical view.
Combining different views in one setting
So what would a technical, social, political and economic solution look like? It might be a solution that saw the encouragement of staggering work hours (economic and social) or created wider roads that were toll based (social/economic/technical). Say for a moment we redefine the traffic problem as something else. It could be the problem is: too many people needing to go to different places at the same time. How could we stop that from happening?
Redefining the traffic problem
The first thing to do is ask the question: why do people need to be at different places at the same time? The most obvious answer is work. Secondly, school times are structured around work times. Thirdly, people tend to group activities around the same things at the same time. So they drop the kids off at school and go to work in one action and then conduct other activities. Stuff like playing bills, going to the shops. So say school starts at 8:30, work at 9:00 which finishes at 5:00 (when the kids are picked up from day care or after school care or not depending on your personal situation) and oh by the way honey can you get a carton of milk on the way home?
Now lets add more to it. Fourthly, the roads are too thin to handle everybody going everywhere at once. So when Jenny drops little Xavier off at school … everybody is using the road at the same time because they have to go to work or the shops or wherever at the same time. Fifthly, we have no control over which roads to use or when to use them. In Adelaide for example they have roads that are only available at peak times and are bi-directional. Not so in Brisbane. We have a bunch of one-way streets and narrow bridges! That said Brisbane is the greatest city in the world! Alas, I digress.
So we have work times (social and economical), school times (political), the grouping of activities around similar times (social), thin roads (technical/political), ability to access to roads that are only crowded part of the day (political/technical) and so on I go. See how just by combining different views I am able to uncover more perspectives of the problem. I even redefined it. Now, I am not that smart (handsome surely but smart?) anybody can do this. Yet, we fall hook line and sinker for simple answers from a singular point of reference. And, I have only picked four perspectives. Imagine if I had ten?
Some off the top of the head ideas for solving the traffic crisis
So what we really need is a solution that stops the constant flow of traffic being caused. We could use a variety of at hand ideas to do this. We could implement flexible work schedules for working parents and school parents. An example of this worked well on the Sunshine Coast. A staggered set of hours were offered for school times for older children. This meant they could walk to school later and traffic around the school reduced.
Remember the problem is why do we need to have everyone on the road at the same time? If we change that we change our problem. Technically we could build bigger roads that are only open in peak hour. That didn’t work well here in Brisbane… it actually made things worse some would argue. We could redesign work so that people could work from established targets (bi annual) and didn’t have to come the office as often. We could also offer incentives for people to work at night. Politically we could have a road toll that was twice as much as the bus and offer financial incentives to car poolers. For the biggest employers we could have incentive based payment systems for people willing to work flexible hours. So now we are starting to touch on the centralised work system that is really at the heart of the traffic crisis. I could go on and on … so could you.
This is just a handful of quick ideas that might work. All I did was begin to look at the problem from a different set of values. As you learn to perspective shift you begin to see more of the problem. At times I have found this process so useful it has gotten me out of some sticky situations. I have also found that sometimes I have also noticed that I can’t see beyond the problem. Like Australia’s housing affordability crisis. Hmm… maybe I will make that my next problem solving post?
Recently I was reading through my blog looking at what I have posted here and there and realised I have covered quite a lot. I decided that I would put all of these posts together as a free download and call it: Solving life problems: 5 Essential Skills you need to make it. The essential skills I cover are:
Learning
Problem Solving
Strategic Thinking and Perspective Shifting
Creative Thinking
Intuition
Granted that’s not all I know … but it’s what I know so far! You can download this book by clicking the link below.
If you are a long time reader you will find most of what I have said before. This book is a resource that covers the basics of what I have said and adds more material along the way. I hope you enjoy it.
A lot of people don’t realise that there are many different ways to solve a problem. The picture above is what we have come to recognise as the traditional linear problem solving process. I discussed this is my first two podcasts. This traditional method works under the assumption that we have limited amounts of information and life is fairly linear. Think about it. We look at the problem, we study it’s causes and find solutions to implement. Very simple. Life isn’t so simple. What about problems where the immediate causes are not known. What if the wrong problems have been identified? What if they are a subset of a bigger more messy problem? You get the picture.
Is there more than one way to solve any problem?
Of course! We can think about this from several different points of view. Everybody knows we can think differently and that has results right. So it stands to reason that thinking differentlyabout a problem will also reveal layers of the problem from different vantage points like this diagram below shows us:
This basic overview shows the basic argument I am putting forward here. Problems are tied to perspectives. Okay let’s complicate this a little further and add in even more viewpoints from the main ones I have isolated here. See below:
You can see by just expanding this diagram a little bit I have increased the amount of incoming perceptions of the problem. There are many ways to think about a problem and (at the very very least 10) that I know off. So here are 10 ways to solve a problem:
Resolve it
Most common approach this is where you reach a given conclusion with known information. It’s based on the Newell and Simon model shown above. Generally when we speak of working things out we are talking of accommodation and comprise. This is common in universities when power players bash heads. This is what I think of a lose-lose situation because in general you have to give something up in order to move forward with the problem.
Absolve it
This means you do nothing. Just wait and see what happens. Personally this is only one step better than turning a blind eye. Yes, I think this is a cop-out.
Dissolve it
This is following the art of problem solving by Russell Ackoff and changing the conditions (or the higher order concepts) to make the situation different so the problem can’t occur. I discussed this a while ago.
Solve Another Problem
Sometimes when we solve problems we forget that there are perceptions that tie these things together. We can actually think, ‘what else is this related to in our mind,’ and trace back to that issue and solve it. It’s shorthand form of problem dissolving
Shift the boundary
This has to do with problem identification. Change the boundary you have set around the problem and new perspectives will open up that show you faults in your thinking.
Change your mind
When you solve problems by changing your mind, you are doing various combinations of the things I have already spoken of above. In this way of solving the problem you decide to identify a different problem. Most helpful in political situations because it can help you see things that you would have missed otherwise.
Mediation
Mediation is where you involve a third party to help resolve a conflict. Using someone else to help is a great way of expanding available perspectives, concepts and ideas. Try it, it works great. In situations where negotiation is required or a mediator may be called for. In Australia if you want to bail out of a marriage it is now compulsory that you do it through a mediator.
Use mathematics
Polya was a great example of this. He had a formula for every possibility modern day statistics (i.e. regression) and operations research (i.e optimisation analysis) are examples of this approach
Use a decision support tool
A decision support tool is an electronic decision making aid that cycles through various scenarios to help you reach a conclusion. The link above has a comprehensive list of tools you can use.
Flip a coin
The easiest way to solve a problem, provided you are after a yes/no answer. Flip a coin heads you do X tails you do Y. Simple.
Use the ‘decision maker’
Early on in my marriage my wife had a problem making decisions (who am I kidding she still does) so someone bought her a decision maker. It was a piece of wood with a yes on one side and a no on the other. Absolutely brilliant.
Phone a friend
Every watched who wants to be a millionaire? They have this segment where you can phone a friend for advice. Gaining some perspective from others is an excellent way to understand how to shift through problems to a conclusion. As you do this you open up new channels of thought that make your way clearer. Gaining a perspective on these things is important because your thinking may be what’s wrong with the problem.
Remember that a problem is a mismatched expectation. You can change your expectation and your problem won’t exist but doing so is a lot harder than it seems. We have a saying in problem solving/strategic thinking research… ‘change your perspective change your problem’. Yes but how? Ahh, it would be nice to live in such a world wouldn’t it?
Solving problems is a really nice ideal isn’t it? But, how often in life do you find yourself in a position where your problem cannot be solved? What do you do then? In previous articles I have spoken about ‘perspective shifting‘ and the art of solving problems by changing your mind. What I want to share with you today is how to solve problems by building a bridge and getting over it.
Taking the first step: Coming to terms with reality
Let’s just push aside the how you got there for a minute and work on solutions. Does it matter? You there now how to we navigate a way around it? You don’t. You build a bridge and get over it. The thing is we get hung up on looking for the causes so much so that we forget to think about what really matters… the solution. You don’t actually solve most problems. You rebuild the environment in your life as such so that the problem can’t occur any more. If you are up against the wall it’s because you are trying to solve a problem that probably doesn’t want to be solved. The first step is therefore looking at the problem and asking yourself, ‘what would it be like if the problem didn’t exist?’ NOT, ‘How can I solve this thing.’ For really messy problems you will not get free until you accept the fact that you need something to swallow it.
The second step: Finding a bigger picture view that removes the need for the problem to exist
I have already talked about this in my perspective shifting article. What I want to talk about here is that problems that are a mess require a new way of seeing. Finding that may be impossible and it may require hope and/or a miracle. It is however, the ideal we need to aspire to. If your problem is, ‘I don’t have any money’ then the most obvious answer is to go get some more. I would disagree. Why? Well, whatever you have been doing up to this point clearly hasn’t worked has it? If it has worked then why don’t you have enough money? A better way of expressing the problem would be to say, ‘I am not in a position to receive more money.’ You then begin to ask yourself, ‘what can I do to get into a position to earn more money.’ If you are desperate enough the answer will become apparent as you think through your options.
The second step involves you looking at your situation and finding a bigger picture or creative solution that dissolves the problem. It is only your own beliefs that tell you things can’t change. Start saying, ‘things are getting better.’ You will be surprised how the solutions will suddenly appear when you change your attitude. It’s just as easy to say ‘things are getting better’ as it is to say, ‘nothing is ever going to change’. When I was earning less than $6000 a year I began saying, ‘I am prosperous’ and quoted bible references on prosperity. This began to change my life. Over the last five years I am in a position where I am earning more than ten times what I did just five years ago. Who can tell where I will be in five years? In a much MUCH better position!
In this second step you need to stretch yourself and I think begin to use your imagination. See the problem gone and ask yourself, ‘what do I need to be in order for this thing to be gone?’ Don’t get stuck in the rut of solving the problem. That will not get you anywhere. Look for options to dissolve the problem.
The third step: acting on it by taking one step at a time
As you come to see the bigger picture view of what is going on around you, it won’t be long before you realise that there will be something small you can do to build the panel on your bridge. The first step will be there. Sure, it may be taking a new job or doing something completely controversial to your family members. The important thing to remember is that it’s one step after the other. As you take the first step, the second will become apparent. After you take the second, the third will become apparent and so on. After a while you will put yourself in a position so that that next ten steps are easy to see. This could take a few years or even decades so be patient!
The final step: Stick with it
Imagine that as you navigate your way over the problem you are laying one part of the bridge down after the other. If you throw down the towel now you will never make it. You will more than likely have to go back and build it again and again until you get it right. Sometimes, it might take you years to get it right. Still I think that’s better than living with the mess don’t you?
If you notice the picture I have included with this post it’s a bridge over a river. If that river was your mess then you don’t build a bridge under the water do you? You build the bridge over the water in order to bypass the trouble. You don’t go through it either because that doesn’t make sense. The only way to be truly rid of a mess is to gradually build a bridge over the river of the problem so it can’t bother you anymore. That however, is a another post for another day.
As I am nearing completion of my research work I am going to spend more time faffing about with this site. Some of these things include:
1. More ‘anchor’ content like ebooks, workbooks, seminars etc. This will not be like most of the stuff you see out there. It will be interactive, developmental and insert another big word here.
2. Narrowing down of my focus to problem solving for life matters. These posts always rate well with people and I get good positive feedback from people.
3. Name change of the blog to focus on the narrowing down of content
4. More downloadable content
5. Other cool things
Remember you can register to get my feed to keep up with what I am doing on this site. It’s what all the cool people are doing.
