Relationships are the keystone of every human being; we form them from birth and foster and maintain them as we grow older. Some are blood ties while others are the kind we get into serendipitously or seek out explicitly. Some last a lifetime while others fall by the wayside even as new ones take their place. And some are good for our soul while others are doomed to failure right from the word GO.

The thing about relationships is that they’re tricky and are not always the same. They may start out one way and either deteriorate or become better as time goes by. And since it takes two people to make a relationship, you can never predict how the one you’re in is going to turn out. Human beings are fickle creatures and prone to mental and psychological changes depending on their experiences, so you can never be sure how relationships will turn out.

In general, both people in a relationship must work towards making it work, and when makes no effort and the other gives their all, then we have an unhealthy relationship, one that will definitely go down the drain in time. Some of us stay on in such relationships even though we know they’re not good for us, mostly because:

• We’re scared of change: We don’t have the courage to be proactive and break off the relationship because it would mean effecting and coping with a great deal of change in our lives.
• We pretend that things will get better: There are times when we’re so addicted to certain people even though we know that they’re not good for us and that we would be better off without them in the long run. And so we pretend that things will get better if we just hang in there and continue to please the other person and do whatever they want. But 99 percent of the time, adopting a doormat attitude only makes people actually treat you like one.
• We are truly in a bind: Some people are caught in abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationships because they have no other alternative – they may have other factors to consider besides their own unhappiness, like children or the fact that they are not financially independent.

No matter why you stay in unhealthy relationships, the fact remains that they are not good for you in any way. So the sooner you break away from them, the better off you’ll be in the long run. You may even be tempted to take back your significant other when they come back and promise to treat you better, but more often than not, they don’t change. So it’s best you make a clean break when you know and acknowledge to yourself that the relationship is unhealthy and that you must be strong enough to turn your back firmly on it.

By-line:

This guest post is contributed by Shannon Wills, she writes on the topic of Top Online Engineering Degree . She welcomes your comments at her email id: shannonwills23@gmail.com.

Often we say when we are making decisions that we need ‘more’ information.  As Clay Shirky said in something I watched once: it’s not about more information, it’s about better filtering.  I think it’s about better perspectives, ideas and concepts.  Yes that probably is more information but it’s filtered, tailored and well suited to your problem.  Sometimes more information leads to confusion and this isn’t helpful.

What then?

More perspectives?  How about better ideas?  Why keep digging the metaphorical hole in the same place… try something else.  Get somebody from outside the problem to come in and have a look.  Quite often they will frame it in way you don’t expect.  Sometimes we are coming from the completely wrong angle… this isn’t at all helpful either.

In the long run I suppose it would be easier to say that having more information would justify the amount of weight we put on the top of a organisation.  Ultimately though, most of the time, better ideas will do.  Wherever you can find them.

Whenever we are faced with a new problem a reaction can be, ‘can’t thinking’.  What?

Can’t thinking is when we are faced with the opportunity to change or do something and we say ‘can’t’.  The Late Russell Ackoff highlighted this is something of his I read saying that those unchallenged ideas, the one’s that can’t are often not impossible but are considered to be impossible.  They are possible but our mindset tells us it ‘can’t’ be done.  It’s more likely that we won’t try because of what we think or what we expect.  The reality could be completely different.

Newsflash: You won’t know until you try.  So instead of saying ‘can’t’ say ‘won’t’ or ‘yes’ and see what happens.  If you really can’t… then don’t.

Nancy White from collegecrunch.org sent me this link of 15 Podcasts that will make you smarter.

Some very interesting people here… too interesting and too smart.

One of the cool things about teaching technology related courses is that you often get to use language that makes you seem like a mystical twat.  This twattery, gives you access on a broader scale, to language of another community.  Load Balancing, sharing the load or passing things between devices to manage data better is a common practice.  When I thought about this concept, it was an apt description of our lives in two ways.  Firstly to manage your life you need the discipline to fit in the things you need to do and the things you should be doing.  I am the worst at this.  For example, I should do a lot more exercise.  I need to make time in my schedule to allow for this load.

Secondly, you need to manage what to put into your life and what to take out.  Hmm… this is harder and involves constant challenges to us because a lot of the time what is ‘best’ for us isn’t the course of action we are likely to take.  If you know in your heart that you want to be a fireman, you aren’t studying or even finding out about what it takes to put out fires you will, at some point, have to take something out of your load to make room.  There are some givens here: family (yes the cat counts), work and spare time.  You may have no spare time.  The thing is, if you want something bad enough, you have to find at least a small amount of time to create that load.  Before you can find a foothold in your fireman career for example, you need to create a reason for people to hire you.  That takes initiative, work and connections.  You can’t do it without these things.  How does this work?  That’s another post but for this one, know that part of load balancing your life means time devoted to giving time to your desires.

We often hear about ‘work-life’ balance but what we don’t hear is ‘gift-work’ balance.  How much time do you spend developing and stretching yourself?  Much time?  You don’t have time?  What’s it worth to you?  A few hours, a few days a few minutes?  Think about it.  Do you really want it… are you prepared to learn your craft and then spend the time mastering it, even when you don’t have time or can’t find a way?  If you are serious about this gift or talent or whatever, you will not find personal satisfaction until you spend this time developing it.  If I offered money-back guarantees… this would be the one thing I would stick my neck out for.  You can’t become brilliant until you first master the art of load balancing to make room for what you need and what you want.  It’s not about balance but about development time.  No development time, no mastering of craft, no matter how talented you may be.

This week I had to go to a choir thing for my eldest daughter.  Now, it was ok, given that these things are usually quite long and are a test of ones endurance.  I couldn’t see my daughter except for her forehead and watching the other children made me somewhat annoyed.  I was cheered up though by the choir conductor.  He was right into it.  Waving his hands like a maestro, controlling sounds, shifting the mood of the choir and so on.  Then the song which American or Australian Idol (don’t care which – don’t watch it) brought back to our minds: I Believe I Can Fly. He was right into this one.  Moving, dancing, swaying, arms waving around etc.  Then during the middle of the song, at the height of it’s power and tension, he turned to the crowd and motioned for us to sing along with the typical ‘C’mon!’ gesture.  Nobody moved or sang a single note.  We sat there, no doubt looking for our children and ignoring Mr Enthusiasm.   Me being the completely backwards lack of social skills type starting laughing uncontrollably.

After I calmed myself down two very important lessons came mind.

1. If you are enthusiastic about something people will see that passion and associate it with you in the future.
2. If you are enthusiastic about something and others aren’t… they will still remember but probably for another reason.

I appreciated this mans enthusiasm.  You have to love what you do.  It’s sad so many of us don’t.  But yes, I won’t forget the poor crowd reaction to his ‘c’mon’ gesture.  At some stage I need to remember what I am enthusiastic about… do you?

Recently I watched this video with landscape photographer Alain Briot.  He takes an interesting view on goal setting by saying that we should set low-expectations more frequently that set big goals less frequently.   I think during times when personal growth is required, perhaps the best way to tackle it is to make serious choices about what actions to take.  This tricks your mind into focusing on the small picture, while you gradually build the bigger picture.  Nothing new… just interesting I thought. For example, we could give into pressure and quit or we could make the way slowly by changing our expectations.

Changing your expectations

The beautiful thing about that video is that you don’t need to think beyond what it says in order to do it.  All you really need is to set a very small goal and then once you achieve that set a slighter bigger one.  My main problem is that I have set stupid goals and not got there and then got discouraged.  Perhaps it’s easier to set a smaller goal, achieve it then do the next thing.  There is however a catch with this way of thinking.

The catch

As it says in the video you need to make sure that you can do what you can, if it’s a small thing.  For example, Alain speaks of how when he was working as a grad student that he could exchange doing that for making money in photography.  The older you get, the harder this seems to be.  Nevermind, people keep telling me that it’s never too late to start.  But start what you say?  Well you have find the music in you and build on it.  Watch for my up-coming post on craftmanship that will deal with this.

Rather than say a lot more I would encourage you to watch the video (at least the first 10 minutes anyway – to get the gist) and reflect on what you are doing now.  The usual excuses apply of course… children to feed, rent/mortgage to pay.  This is why I have to think about sidebusinesses and the like!  However, keep an open mind as you watch this, the sheer brilliance of simplicity is very interesting.

This is a short note about something I read in the dictionary (of all places).  I have been fascinated for a while about intentions.  In particular the motives we have that drive us to take actions.  I looked it up in the dictionary just before and it said a intention was something ‘designed’ or made for a certain purpose:

something that someone plans or intends to do; an aim or purpose

I think the core meaning in the word here is lost in Chambers dictionary. The main thing that bothers me about ‘intent’ is that it sounds like a ‘design’ or something that was made as a fit to a purpose.  To me, an intent is more fluid and therefore inherently more complex.  That is, when I intend to do something I am not completely sure of my purpose.  I may understand an element of it, and have clues as to my intent, but until I take action I am not sure or cannot know what my intent was.   My intentions often become obvious to me after I act. I will often say nasty things to people, then my intent was clear, I wanted to hurt that person (don’t get me wrong I am not Gordon Ramsey!).

Other times you act and the very actions you take reveal what your intention is… it’s not always a matter of pre-defined purpose or action.   So what does this actually mean? I think, it means we won’t always know what we think, until the stuff of life finds you out.  Ok, so this is me ranting… I write obscure fringe papers for a living… what can I say!

This past semester I added a new reading to a course I designed called information policy and governance about how policy makers have problems with ‘nesting’.  In short the idea of nesting refers to how we make a big decision then allows every decision from that point forward to made using the same way of thinking.   An example is thinking about a major change in your life.  Do you take the plunge or stay on track?  If you nested… you would make the change look like a change but in reality you would be keeping the same old pattern moving along.  That’s nesting.

There are times when we nest, that we are doing so for many (no doubt) mental reasons: security, comfort, shelter and whatever else you can think of that makes you nest.  Often you will hear sports stars talking of how the ‘knew’ it was time to go.  I think sometimes they actually mean they realise the signs of change and they acknowledge the time to move on, mind you if they have money to do it, it does make the decision somewhat easier doesn’t it?

What happens to nesters?

I have a theory about that.  Nesters may be the people that die with the music still in them.  The grumpy old people you see who complain all the time, or the middle aged who whinge and complain about the state of the life or the young who know somehow that something is wrong and can’t work out what.  I don’t know.  What I know is that when I nest, I get grumpy, I stall, my personal development becomes endless reasoning to think through a problem that isn’t properly structured or designed for me to solve.  In essence, whether in our policy-making or personal lives when we nest – our growth comes to a grinding halt.

How do we break from a nesting cycle?

I would think that when we ‘nest’ our development cycle is stuck on repeat.  However, it may not always be the case.  You may need a few years of no growth in order to recover from a long period of sustained growth or alternatively it may be a lifestyle choice.  In that sense, nesting isn’t always bad.  It can be dangerous in some cases though to remain stagnate.  Especially when the pressure and the drive to grow is showing itself.

A key skill is recognising the time to change is when you know it and don’t do it.  A strange feeling of cognitive dissonance waves over you (well it does for me)… you can sense it intuitively.  For me your inward emotions are saying, ‘it’s time’ but your head is full of fear and worry.  Here’s where courage and common sense meet.  A hard place, but one that you have to move on if you are committed to personal development.  So the answer?  You have to commit to change.  The pain of not changing versus the pain of changing?  Which pain do you choose… because doing nothing is still a choice.  In short, you need to follow it through when you can and rely of serendipity and faith to provide the rest.  Plans are a great place to start… but random categories of action is even better!

In closing the Sunday afternoon post, I would like to you to examine yourself.  Are you nested or nesting?  If you are then is it productive to do so?  Is it the right thing for you right now?

Here is an interesting post on how you can improve you life scientifically:

25 Scientifically Proven Ways to Make Yourself Smarter

Worth a look… hey at least for me… I need this!