One of the most horrible things I can think of … is persecution. It happens to all of us. The other day an unnamed relative made light of my current occupation not so gently referring to it as waste of time. I have heard of all this crap before so I let it go through to the keeper (not before swearing and beating my fists in the air). It did however get me thinking about how much society hates different people and how much they persecute you for it. So here is my list of seven things that I have been persecuted for.

7. Shameless self-promotion

Just yesterday some jerk from Sweden left a scathing review of my stumbling abilities on stumbleupon. My initial reaction was shock but as I brushed aside this angry geek’s masterful use of the “C” word I noticed the a line that read “stumbleupon is not a place for you to market yourself” or something like that. The thing is I do stumble my own work. Yes this is a shameful admission! However, I have found I have gotten some good readers this way, met some interesting people and most importantly increased the amount of readers I have. My old man says is this way, ‘if you don’t toot your own horn nobody will do it for you.’

6. Having a large head!

Once of the most consistent taunts during my ill-fated schooling years was the merciless jesting at the size of my head. This persecution went on for years it was horrible. If you ever see anyone with a big head don’t call them ‘Humphrey head’ or ‘Remax’. It’s not exactly the nicest way to make friends that’s for damned sure.

5. Being a day dreamer

I was always that kid looking out the window during class. I can’t tell you the amount of times I was made fun of for being a million miles away. I can’t help it, I am a day dreamer. I was always looking out the window thinking about what might happen if the school room was invaded by terrorists or if the teacher spontaneously combusted. That’s the kind of persecution that has destroyed western society and put in it’s place a giant superstructure of logical moosh.

4. Being fat

All fat people can relate to this one. Being persecuted for being ‘tubby’ is demeaning. There have been many times that I have been made fun of because I was a little on the ‘chunky side’. Hey I like to eat… what can I say?

3. Being an ideas engineer (academic)

In my job I deal with the business of ideas. Understanding them, applying them, learning from them and developing them. Why do I put myself through this thankless task? Why do I get underpaid to do this? Because I love ideas. I love finding out new stuff and sharing it with people. If you asked me to manage a business, I would probably do a good job. However, if you asked me to find out something of interest and report back… I would be much happier. My idea of a good time is reading the latest book in my area of interest and building models from the insights I get. Some people, God bless their hearts, simply don’t think this pursuit is worth it. I have relatives say to me that such a pursuit is a waste of time. I have big business boys calling what I do a ‘wank’. I don’t care. One of my favourite things in the world is to go to the Griffith University library and find a book I am interested in and read it. I have read everything from books on Google to Roy Bhaskar’s ‘the Possibility of Naturalism’. I recently spent three days in a conference listening to that man use incomprehensible language to describe reality and I thought it was money well spent. Why? That’s something you can’t understand unless you are that way inclined.

2. Setting unrealistic goals

History has shown that people with big dreams don’t always make it. This is not one of your hard and fast rules that you bend to suit your own means. However, have you noticed JUST how many people dream big and get big? I am always being persecuted for believing (intentionally) for great things to happen. I usually don’t wait for a time that’s ‘convenient’ though lately I have a growing apathy… but I digress. People have called me all kinds of names and pointed fingers because I like to dream. Do I have dreams I haven’t met… of course! Have I met some along the way… yes… hence the new title before ‘Luke’. The motto is everybody is ant until they do something to break away from the comfortable nests we build. As Everlast might say, ‘You don’t know what it’s like… to walk a mile in my shoes.’ Try it and you might just make a difference.

1. Being a Christian

In this tolerant society we live in I have experienced more intolerance because of my faith than for anything else. I have been told I was responsible for world wars, a co-conspirator against the Arabs with the Jews, in bed with the Nazis, called an idiot, shouted at, belittled, made fun of, humiliated, been cursed by a Satanist, been given books, and so on because I am a Christian. I am not an aggressive Christian by any stretch of the imagination but I don’t think I should apologise for my faith either. Yet, more than any other thing… when people find this out about me they generally lose respect for me. Do I care? No. Why not? What’s the point? People will be people and if you even show the slightest hint of difference they will smack you back in line.

Let me conclude my persecution post by asking you a favour. Learn to appreciate difference. Stop being the jackass that points out why people are different. You are different! I want you to stop it. STOP IT! Okay good. When you have come back and read some more. :D. There you have it more shameless self promotion… I might stumble this… :D.

I hit 30 last year and for some strange reason I have been evaluating my life.  I have been looking at the options trying to think through what I could do and what I feel I should be doing (see my previous post).  I asked my wife the pertinent question: “What do you think I am good at?” She replied with… you are good at bullshit.   I asked for a clarification and apparently she didn’t mean speaking it but knowing it.  Knowing what is ‘bullshit’ and what is not.  So ever wondered what you are good at?  Maybe you are good at bullshit?

Many years ago I found out about Chuck Norris humour on the web and thought… there’s a fire and forget project. Man was I wrong. I got the email today as imagine most people have at least some time in their existence. So here we go the Chuck Norris School of problem solving:

• In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris. (New!)
• Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
• Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
• CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
• The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
• Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
• Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
• The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
• Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
• Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.