As the society has become more individualist and less community driven we have seen the mass introduction of suburbs. This is not a recent trend… it’s been happening since the 40′s and 50′s. One of the most annoying side-effects of the increased decentralisation of society are neighbours. These are the people that we in the city are forced to live next to. In my many years of renting I have seen it all. So here are my tips on how you can know your neighbours are evil.
tip # 1 – You never see them…EVIL!
Years ago I lived in a house in sunny Kawana Waters. It was fantastic. The people next door, God bless them, where just strange. They never said hello, never feigned a smile or a wave, they just where always inside. Like the penguin says, ‘smile and wave boys, smile and wave.’ The first time I spoke to the man was when I was leaving. He asked if the house was for sale. I said no and he walked off without saying another word… in short EVIL! The neighbour that never says even the smallest word to you … not even out of courtesy is evil.
tip # 2 – If a neighbour trims your trees… EVIL!
I have had a neighbour who came into my yard and said, ‘I just want to trim some of my trees that are overhanging,’ only to have them begin to cut down my plants! Now I am all for letting people do my work for me (I am not a workaholic – thank you very much) but cutting down my trees? I felt like slapping that person and I don’t even garden! If a neighbour comes into your yard to trim your trees – they are EVIL!
tip # 3 – If your neighbour lets his dog eat your cat…EVIL!
My wife had this beautiful Persian called, ‘Terry’ who she had since she was a kid. One day the dog next door attacked the cat and left it in a critical condition. The neighbour at the time thought nothing of it and never paid a single bill towards the vet treatment that ultimately failed to save the cat’s life. That was the second cat the dog had eaten as well. Can I suggest if you have a bullish ‘macho’ neighbour who doesn’t take care of his pets properly that you do what my uncle does when he has problems with his neighbour? He sits on the back deck polishing his gun. Put down your rocks I am joking.
tip #4 – When your neighbours party until 1am then stop and start again at 3pm…EVIL!
In my 31 years I have lived in a lot of places. More than I would care to remember. I once lived upstairs in a two story apartment complex in Mooloolaba in the 80′s. Every Saturday they would get on the sauce and belt out rock music much to the chagrin of my parents. Eventually they left and peace was restored. Our lease was cancelled by the owner soon after and we moved to a new house in Mountain Creek. So guess who was living next door to us? THE EXACT SAME PEOPLE! Needless to say, we didn’t stay there very long. If you neighbours constantly party without considering people around them… they’re evil!
tip #5 – When your neighbour gets on the phone to her friends in the US at talks at the top of her lungs … EVIL!
One time I was living in a townhouse with my wife and two chihuahuas. We had a string of neighbours, one who died whilst mowing the lawn and the other who often vocally ‘pleasured’ her man friends on the front deck… both right outside our bedroom window. They were happy times. Oh yes and the neighbour before that died as well. I used to call it the townhouse of death. But I digress. The woman that lived there after the screamer used to talk to her friends in the United States really REALLY loud at 3am in the morning. This was despite me slamming the window and let out hints like saying, ‘I wish she would shut up.’ The thing is, if you live in an apartment and you begin to talk to people on the phone at 3am keep it down. If you don’t then you are evil.
tip #6 – If your neighbour rakes her lawn and throws the leaves in your yard…
When I am phone I like to walk. I have a cool portable phone so I walk outside, around the yard and so on. One day when I was on the phone talking to a friend of mine, I walked outside. What did I see? I saw a giant frickin’ pile of palm fronds the neighbour had generously donated to me over the fence. If you are reading this (probably not) up yours! I may be a renter but what gives you the right to dump your crap in my yard? I would suggest two courses of action. 1. Throw it back or number 2. Turn the other cheek. I am not mature enough to try number 2 yet though my wife is. Thank God she is not evil.
tip #7 – When you neighbours are involved in drugs…
I once lived in East Brisbane in an apartment complex. One morning I heard a knock at the door and I was surprised because I don’t have any friends! I open up and there are the two Australian Federal Police waving their guns and badges in my face. They showed me a warrant and then came into my house and raided it. My draws were emptied and the place ransacked. I was wondering why was this happening? I wasn’t on drugs (at the time – been clean for years) so I thought what the hell is going on. Then he checked his warrant. Oops it was my neighbour! I politely told them to get out of my flat and thanked them kindly for intruding on my personal liberties without my prior consent or permission and showed them the door. At least that’s the way I would like to remember it. The funniest part of this whole story is that the cops in question found a toy gun and looked at me and said, ‘you’re bloody lucky it’s a toy gun.’ I will not repeat what I said to the cops except to say this… if your neighbours are involved in drugs, crime or anything suss they are evil. Make sure you get the cops who WILL eventually come to collect them to double check the warrant. To be fair to the cops – I have made worse mistakes. But you will have to read my other posts to learn about that.
In the final analysis you can’t really know when you move in that your neighbours will be the spawn of the dark one. My guess is that you find out a month or so into living there. This however is hard to determine in advance. You may be fortunate like me and have great neighbours. They are lovely in my new place. I can’t complain. I have seen the odd police car and sure there have been parties. But they are a few doors down… just out of shouting distance. If you are stuck with evil neighbours the one thing you can take comfort with is this… so are thousands of other people!
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